The Memos I Would Love To Write:

14 Jun

To The Director of the College Program for which I work:
At orientation two weeks ago, you brought it upon yourself to move and gyrate your body, center stage, as though you were riding a motorcycle. You even made “vroom, vroom” sound effects. This was utmost disturbing, and made me queasy. Since you won’t lobby for our health insurance, I suggest you cease such behavior unless you want my doctor’s bill. Oh yeah, and please stop sprouting off random tongue twisters upon greeting us. It scares the students, and puts the instructors in the awkward position of not knowing how to respond. Please. Stop.

To the Assistant Director of the College Program for which I work:

Please stop expelling students, except for those whom I’d like to date. Thank you.

To My Neighbor Who Lives Downstairs:

As much as I appreciate your uplifting “Merry Christmas” doormat, Christmas was over six months ago. You’ve displayed this seasonal doormat, adorned with a Mallard duck, for over one year. It has been the cause of great seasonal confusion when I have guests over. And what, pray tell me, does a Mallard Duck in a bow tie have to do with Christmas?

To My Neighbor Across the Hall:
You never check your mail. In fact, your mailbox is always so full that the postman has asked me on two occasions if you are handicapped and therefore unable to make the trip downstairs. Thus, your magazines never fit in your mailbox, and are left at the bottom of the stairs. You may think that your magazines arrive a week late and that the postman kindly delivers them to your door, but this is not the case. In all honesty, I borrow your magazines for a week, read them, and then place them at your front door. You have saved me money on numerous subscriptions, and I thank you. Perhaps this is unethical of me, but if you don’t like it, then check your mail.

To All Servers at Restaurants:
Please stop asking me “Are you still working on that?” I’m eating. I’m enjoying my dinner. I’m dining. I’m certainly not working.

To Anyone who Claps Obnoxiously at Bars:

Why are you clapping? Are your friends so funny that everything they say deserves a round of applause? And must you clap at tones above the natural decibel level? Please stop. You are embarrassing yourself, and annoying the rest of the bar.

To SUV Drivers Who Place Two or More “We Support Our Troops” Magnets on Your Car:

There is a magnetic ribbon around your antenna. There are two magnetic ribbons on the back of your SUV, one of which is faded. Yes, we get it, you support the troops. But if you truly supported them, perhaps you would drive a fuel-efficient car, thus eliminating the need for troops in the Middle East.

To the Girl Who Plays Hermione in the Harry Potter Movies:
Are you serious? You don’t want to be Hermione anymore? You will ruin an entire series! It would be worse than the Sopranos finale! So . . . accept your measly 476 million dollar check and learn your lines. Thank you.

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16 Responses to “The Memos I Would Love To Write:”

  1. Noelle June 15, 2007 at 1:56 PM #

    My landlady never checks her mail, and we have a shared mailbox. It used to drive me up the wall, but then I started reading her magazines, too. It really helps. Also, to see a great ruined Harry Potter ending, check out my blog entry today.

    (And for the record, I’m pretty sure that the Hermione actress has now signed on for the next two movies.)

  2. Noelle June 15, 2007 at 1:56 PM #

    My landlady never checks her mail, and we have a shared mailbox. It used to drive me up the wall, but then I started reading her magazines, too. It really helps. Also, to see a great ruined Harry Potter ending, check out my blog entry today.(And for the record, I’m pretty sure that the Hermione actress has now signed on for the next two movies.)

  3. Jocelyn Reese June 19, 2007 at 10:17 PM #

    Wow…that memo about SUVs and troops in Iraq was totally called for. I love it-

  4. Jocelyn Reese June 19, 2007 at 10:17 PM #

    Wow…that memo about SUVs and troops in Iraq was totally called for. I love it-

  5. Belldoorlover June 20, 2007 at 5:57 PM #

    I think I’m the clapper in bars. But it really has to be funny and I don’t laugh out loud that often.

  6. Belldoorlover June 20, 2007 at 5:57 PM #

    I think I’m the clapper in bars. But it really has to be funny and I don’t laugh out loud that often.

  7. megaan June 21, 2007 at 3:50 AM #

    Very funny! Especially the doormat memo, as this also bugs me when I’m walking up your stairs!

  8. megaan June 21, 2007 at 3:50 AM #

    Very funny! Especially the doormat memo, as this also bugs me when I’m walking up your stairs!

  9. Anonymous June 21, 2007 at 5:09 PM #

    I think that you forgot to mention to the director that he also needs to stop looking at the chest of female teachers and students. It is a bit unnerving. Also, to the assistant director…what was up with the lacy shirt, so not attractive. I always wondered about the doormat and duck as well, but never thought to ask. And yes Hermione signed on for the last two movies. She was being difficult because she didn’t want to known as the ‘girl in Harry Potter’…people can be so hard to please.

  10. Anonymous June 21, 2007 at 5:09 PM #

    I think that you forgot to mention to the director that he also needs to stop looking at the chest of female teachers and students. It is a bit unnerving. Also, to the assistant director…what was up with the lacy shirt, so not attractive. I always wondered about the doormat and duck as well, but never thought to ask. And yes Hermione signed on for the last two movies. She was being difficult because she didn’t want to known as the ‘girl in Harry Potter’…people can be so hard to please.

  11. Anonymous June 22, 2007 at 7:58 PM #

    As if Hermione has so much more going on in life. I don’t see any other movie producers asking her to star in blockbuster films. Quite frankly, she needs to be thankful that she is known as the “girl in Harry Potter” or she wouldn’t be known at all.

    And, because you said I could, I would like to add my own memos for you:

    To my Ex-Husband’s New Girlfried: I guess I should stop referring to you as the “new girlfriend”. Let’s face it, you were dating my husband 6 months before I filed for divorce. Not to mention the fact that “new” makes you sound young and fresh, when in reality, you are a ridden-hard hag that is 10 years older than me!

  12. Anonymous June 22, 2007 at 7:58 PM #

    As if Hermione has so much more going on in life. I don’t see any other movie producers asking her to star in blockbuster films. Quite frankly, she needs to be thankful that she is known as the “girl in Harry Potter” or she wouldn’t be known at all. And, because you said I could, I would like to add my own memos for you:To my Ex-Husband’s New Girlfried: I guess I should stop referring to you as the “new girlfriend”. Let’s face it, you were dating my husband 6 months before I filed for divorce. Not to mention the fact that “new” makes you sound young and fresh, when in reality, you are a ridden-hard hag that is 10 years older than me!

  13. Hope V August 21, 2007 at 4:08 PM #

    I love that you read your neighbors magazines. I wish I had a neighbor with interesting magazines…all my neighbor gets are catalogs from a bike supply company and packages that I can only assume are purchases from said catalogs. Not exciting.

  14. Hope V August 21, 2007 at 4:08 PM #

    I love that you read your neighbors magazines. I wish I had a neighbor with interesting magazines…all my neighbor gets are catalogs from a bike supply company and packages that I can only assume are purchases from said catalogs. Not exciting.

  15. Pia August 27, 2007 at 3:41 AM #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAH….I can’t believe that your director was gyrating his body!!! How embarrassing!

  16. Pia August 27, 2007 at 3:41 AM #

    HAHAHAHAHAHAH….I can’t believe that your director was gyrating his body!!! How embarrassing!

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